Sleeping is giving in, so lift those heavy eyelids.
“Rebellion (Lies)” by the Arcade Fire
Last night after getting back sick, tired and a little nauseous from SF I realized I had forgotten my toothbrush in Chispa’s bathroom. Now, I do have extra toothbrushes, but neither one is at my apartment. So, when I went to the store to pick up a few necessities, I also headed over to my friend Garu’s house to catch up.
Outside it was raining — and actual rain, now just a few drops falling from the sky — with lightning flashes and noisy thunder. Inside, we were talking about how we’re unhappy in our programs, how we don’t think a career in academia is what we want to devote our lives to, and and just catching up. I told Garu that I didn’t want to have a 15-page long impressive CV full of publications and key roles in professional associations. Sure that’s great, but when I look at my advisor, I also see a successful middle-aged woman who comes home to a great dog, a nice home and not much else.
“I just want to pop out babies” I blurted out.
Garu laughed and said, “you’re cute.” He wasn’t just being fascetious, he understood me — he usually does. “I want to have kids too,” he said. “I want a family… a happy family.”
We’re going through this mid 20s slump. We both feel uncomfortable in academia. He dislikes it even more than he did last year, and I’m struggling to keep up my motivation after I found out that my funding situation this year sucks. We decided that we need a support group. Last year, he was one of my main sources of support. Later, I got to know and trust a few others in the department, but Garu has been one of the most consistent friends.
I stayed at his apartment for a bit. Outside the rain kept falling and flashes from lightning lit up the sky for an instant. I drank mint tea and avoided the hookah since it’s probably not a good thing when I’m sick. When I left I felt better, even if we didn’t come to solutions. It’s odd, but knowing someone else is as unhappy or more in Moore makes me feel better.
Just wait till you turn 30. I had NO idea why people make such a big deal about it, but now that I’m 30 i totally understand.
As my doctor said to me a while back “it only goes down hill from here” . LOL
I laugh at this because knowing this now I wish I would of enjoyed my youth a bit more.
hay Cindylu, i feel ya. i already have my masters and everyday i struggle with whether to continue or not. it looks like my heart already made the decision, i really do need to get out for the time being. i feel i’m sacrificing too much of me, my writing, and just having the time to learn other things like painting, whatever. i just need a break. if you do decide to keep at it, make sure you have your master, best thing is to be ABD and then take a break. suerte.
You’re preaching to the choir here sista! I’m 25 years old, have changed my major 5 times and still need way too many classes to get my bachelors. My apa says I’m a student 4life! I think we all are there at one time or another. But I’ll be quite honest and frank, as much as I do love learning and going to school and going for the “gold” (the degree), if I hit the million dollar jack-pot tomorrow I’d quit, travel the world, take pictures of everything I could, experience new things in different countries and cultures, instead of reading it in a book at the university library. I’d be a bum for life and even though I don’t have that “gold” on my mantel, I’ll have it in my life story when I tell my grand kids. . .now that to me is living. . .I’d be the female Paulo Coelho. . .yeah, that’s my dream.
hope you’re felling better
thanks for coming roun my blog. i’ve missed u 
Couldn’t you take a year off and travel to make sure this is what you want to be doing for the rest of your life?
I’d totally grab a coffee with you in Gto. Speaking of which, we should grab a coffee in san fran.
I’m with Oso, sounds like you could use a year long soul searching vacation… I guess everybody could use that though.
A couple pointers for surviving in academia:
1. Support groups. Whether it is for writing, coping with the social constraints, or time-management, having someone who will listen and understand where you are coming from is essential. It becomes ever so important when you get to your dissertation.
2. Focus on what you like to do. Do you like to write? Publish. Do you like to network? Go to meetings. Do you like to teach? Try to get classes (CCs often look for grad students to teach one or two classes). By doing what you like – it is less like work and you will succeed at it.
3. Talk to as many people as you can about funding. Profs, deans, provosts, etc…there are often hidden stashes of money that you can piece together to finance your education. You just need to let people know that you are looking.
4. Don’t be afraid of taking time off if you need it (Oso’s suggestion). If you do leave, don’t be afraid to go back either.
If you ever need an understanding ear, feel free to drop me a note. I survived grad school and all of its frustrations.
Have you looked into the Ford Fellows Fellowship for funding?
this site run by Duke may have funding opportunities you, hopefully, have not seen yet. Also, my cuñado althought unbelievably busy, may be able to help; he has a PhD (from UT Austin) in Ed. Admin., he teaches now in Univ. of Indiana – Bloomington.
…and I was barely thinking about going back to school…
Jeff,
I think I might enjoy 30 because at that point hopefully people will stop telling me that I look like I’m 18 or 19.
Agustin,
I figure by the time I’ll be ABD, I’ll be so sick of UCLA that I’ll be working off campus and not really doing much else than data collection, analysis and writing. I wonder if I would have felt this miserable in another environment.
CAD,
I think we all need a change of scenery every once in a while. I feel like I’ve done everything TOO by the book and now I can’t deal with it anymore. If you wanna take off, let me know.
Bomitoni,
De nada. I still have a horrible cold. I should be quarantined, but you’re lucky I can’t spread germs to blogs.
Oso,
I don’t drink coffee, but I’d have nieve de pasta with you in Gto. Or we can go have elotes at my tíos’ rancho, Los Laureles. I’m hoping to go in December for 2 quinceañera’s and a wedding.
Joel,
Sould searching won’t pay the bills… hehe. It seems nice though, I won’t argue there.
Xoloitzquintle,
I’ve started being a bit more proactive about the funding situation. And the support groups are building up, but in general I have a tough time asking for help. Those people who know I’m struggling are generally people I’ve known a long time and am close to. My advisor doesn’t even know about this situation. Yeah, I know I need to fix things. You’d think that after being a counselor I would’ve learned something about being a proactive student. I have yet to look at Ford.
Frances,
Thanks for your support and the link. I’ll let you know if there are any questions I should think of to pass on to your cuñado.
Gustavo,
Don’t let me deter you.