“He’s really messing up,” Frankie said as he walked back in to the blues club.
“Who?” I asked even though I knew the answer to the question.
“Your sister’s boyfriend,” Frankie replied. David and Eric nodded their heads in agreement.
Eric spoke up, “if my girlfriend looked like that, I wouldn’t be messing up.”
“What?” I said a bit indignant.
Eric responded, “your sister is beautiful.”
“You guys don’t know what you’re talking about. Lori is a hard person to get along with and Mikey isn’t a bad boyfriend. He’s not perfect, but neither is she. It’s just not a good night for them.”
They didn’t seem to understand me and we went outside so Eric and Frankie could smoke. The guys started to annoy me a little more. Rather than just say my 22-year old sister was beautiful, one of them called her “fuckin’ hot.”
“That’s disrespectful,” I said.
Frankie countered, “no, it would be disrespectful if I said ‘me and your sister would make some beautiful babies together.’
By this point I was upset, but I don’t know which offense bothered me most. First, I’ve known el Venado’s nephews for a while, but I felt that their opinions on my sister were way too familiar and disrespectful. I wonder what they would think if one of their guy friends said the same thing about their sister.
Second, I couldn’t stand the fact that they were equating her looks with a certain type of treatment. Would the guys be saying the same thing if they didn’t consider my sister beautiful?
Besides ordaining that attractive men will be attracted to attractive women, the model of romance of romance also implies that attractive women will be treated well — a sign of their attractiveness — and correspondingly, that unattractive women will be badly treated. By treating a woman well, by giving gifts, sending her cards and flowers, calling long distance, doing what she wants, a man attests to the woman’s attractiveness. He appreciates her special qualities as a woman and a person and is responsive to her concerns. One woman described “every gir’s dream” as follows: “He is really cute… something special. I’ve never gotten so many flowers and stuff in my life… and gifts. He’d do anything that I wanted.”
The opposite treatment implies that a woman is not attractive, or at least is less attractive than the man.
It’s all so twisted, especially because this was coming from the young women themselves. They were the one’s rationalizing why certain things happened in their relationships. I’d like to believe that kind of thinking didn’t end in the early 1980s when Holland and Eisenhart conducted their study, but I’m not sure.
When I went to Salamanca in August 2004, I tripped out on the weather. I wasn’t used to seeing a bright, clear and sunny day suddenly become cloudy and give way to a downpour that wouldn’t last more than a half hour.
Basically, yes. If I know I’ll be sleeping somewhere else, say at the parent’s house, I take Ozo with me. When I go on trips whether they be for business or fun, I bring him along. I don’t take him to school or to work, because that would be weird, you know.
The funny thing about Ozo is that he doesn’t even belong to me. He belongs to one of my best friends, Will. I made Ozo at the Build-A-Bear Workshop and sent him to Will as a graduation present. Soon after, we had a falling out and didn’t speak to each other for some time. Even back then I had drama with my relationships, but I tried to work them out. Lucky for me, Will and I were able to restore our friendship. In the fall, I asked Will if he’d let me have custody of Ozo because I missed him. He sent him back with a mutual friend, Lamont, who went to Chicago for a visit. Since October 2003, Ozo has lived with me and sleeps in my bed pretty much every night. He has more clothes than some children and is well-known by my extended family.
I’ve taken him on both of my recent trips to Mexico. My family over there gets a kick out of Ozo. They call him their sobrino. He goes with me to a lot of family functions and I always take him home for the weekend when I go. Everyone at home likes him, but VR is a little scared. I’ve taken him on my business trips as well.
*The name comes from the Nahuatl word for monkey, and a play on John Lennon’s pseudonym Dr. Winston O’Boogie. I changed the O to Chi because he was going to live in Chicago.
This morning, I woke up half an hour later than I should have been up. So, what’s new? I scrambled to get ready and walked out into the rainy morning with my backpack, duffel bag and Ozo. I drove north on the 405 and then the 101. The rain was off and on and in some places, it was actually rather sunny. I arrived at UC Santa Barbara an hour and a half later. I took the wrong exit. Got a little lost trying to figure out which parking lot I needed to park in. I overpaid at the parking machine by $3 because I didn’t have any change.
It was one of those mornings when I grumble about getting elected and having to meet my student government responsibilities.
However, I’m pretty good at seeing both sides of the issue and overall I’ve enjoyed the work I do with UCSA and the Graduate Students Association. The top ten perks of being an elected officer (in no particular order).
Paid travel. Each month, I’m required to attend a meeting at another University of California campus. Since July, I’ve had all-expense paid trips (well, except when I lose my receipts or forget to turn them in) to San Diego, Sacramento, Berkeley, San Francisco, and Santa Barbara. Expenses for local trips are reimbursed too. I may lose my weekend, but being VP of External Affairs has helped satisfy my need for getting out of LA on a frequent basis.
The stipend. I get paid. There was a time when being a student leader was something I did without any compensation, but as a graduate student, it’s a lot more difficult to do things voluntarily.
It’s educational. I’ve learned a whole lot about California politics and how the UC Regents work in the past year. I’ve learned a thing or two about lobbying and how to apply all the research findings I read all the time to a more practical policy perspective.
UCLA Store discounts. Comes in handy when I want to buy gifts, new UCLA gear, or get books for classes.
They feed me. GSA spends a whole lot of money on food. It’s not always great, but it’s usually something better than I could make.
I get a comfy office. I willingly share the office with the two people who also work on external issues. It’s nice to have a place to go besides Moore Hall that isn’t always noisy and crowded.
I meet some really great people. I know grad, undergraduate and professional students from all the UC campuses. At a time when my social circle is getting smaller, it’s nice to know that I can still make connections with people through my involvement on campus.
I get to reconnect with the undergrads. They’re almost always more on top of things than the grad students. They may have less professional experience, but they’re better organizers and they have that passion. All the grad students I know who were student activists as grad students seem to be pretty jaded. Plus, they remind me of my time being involved on campus at UCLA.
The drive on the 101 north to Santa Barbara is beautiful, even when it’s cloudy. There’s something about the Pacific Ocean that makes me feel, well, pacific.
Having to manage school, work and leadership responsibilities helps me manage my time. The less time I have to waste, the less I waste.
The drawbacks?
Time. I spend one weekend a month at a meeting or a conference, spend at least two hours a week in meeting on campus and over conference calls. Plus, there’s all kinds of work I actually have to do.
Politics will always be drama, even in student government.
Travelling takes its toll. I feel nauseated every time I fly lately and the 5 is a really boring drive.
I see my family a lot less .
I get to spend even less time than usual with el Venado and my friends.
Cost. It’s taken me anywhere from a week to get reimbursed to a few months. My check was sent to the wrong person and she cashed it!
My time management still sucks and I’ve been flaking on my most important responsibility, school.
It doesn’t really help my professionally if I want to go in to an academic or administrative career.
Although I travel one weekend a month, but I spend most of it indoors. Many of those days (like today) tend to be really nice. It’s rather torturous to be in one room from 10 am to 7 pm whole it’s beautiful out.
Results aren’t really tangible and take a long time to achieve. It’s hard to see the fruits of my labor.
I started writing this while hearing the howling wind outside, thinking about the awesome drive to Santa Barbara, and noticing that the clouds and rain had given away to sunshine and (mostly) clear skies. I also have papers to write and finals to complete within the next two weeks.
I’ve also still been considering whether or not I will run for this position again. I need to make my decision soon. Based on what I wrote above, anyone want to decide for me?
There’s a rumor going around that I have a squeaky voice. This is not true. I stopped sounding like a six year old in 2000. It’s been a really busy quarter and I know I haven’t been writing as much as I usually do. As usual, I have a lot to say/write and I’ll be taking advantage of more dynamic ways to communicate with blogotitlán.
For now, I’ll leave you with a repost of my guide to a successful quinceañera and the last 30 seconds of el vals (the waltz) at Elizabeth’s quinceañera last December in Jalpa, Zacatecas.
Dear Mexican parents and future quinceañeras,
I know you want to go all out to celebrate your little one’s quince años. I’m sure you want to show her off and prove that you have the means to thrown one hell of a party, but you don’t have to go broke to have a good time. Just think, you want to celebrate her now, in the present, but also remember she has a future and this is just a party.
And girls, I’m sure you want your quinceañera to be better than your best friend Lety’s, but remember this is not a competition! So, after attending my fair share of coming out parties, I thought I’d offer some sage advice.
I present to you: Cindylu’s guide to a successful quinceañera.
You can thank me later.
General
Good idea: keep it small. I know this is impossible with some families, but small is relative. Everyone in her freshman class does not need to be there. If you haven’t talked to your cousin twice removed, don’t invite her either. It’s just a glorified birthday party! NOT a wedding.
Bad idea: spending her first year college tuition (or semester if she goes to a private school) to cover the costs. It’s even worse if she can’t live in the dorms because you decided you just had to hire Banda el Recodo.
Preparation and planning
Good idea: finding talented family members or trusted friends (why do you think you have comadres y compadres?) to make things such as the dress or cake. I lucked out because my tía Ana made wedding gowns and my tía Marta is a pro with fancy cakes. Do-it-yourself (DIY) is still cool.
Bad idea: finding the most over-priced vendor for some insignificant thing, like the recuerdos.
Good idea: asking people who love you (hello, tías y tíos!) to pay for stuff like the cake, flowers, or photographer. They love you, right?
Bad idea: being an ungrateful little brat who throws tantrums for stupid shtuff. If a family member is a padrino of something, consider that his/her/their gift to you.
Good idea: writing that the Mass begins as 1:30 on the invitations when it technically begins at 2. This way, people will actually be on time. If you invite white people, let them know the Mass actually begins at 2 or else they’ll be waiting around for half and hour.
Bad idea: excluding directions and printing the actual time the Mass begins on the invitations. Avoid the casualties of Mexican time at all costs!
Good idea: including your padrinos de honor on your invitation. They’re paying for stuff, no?
Bad idea: listing the padrinos de bras, panties, medias y muñecas on the invitation. It’s okay that they’re paying for stuff, but they do not need to be on the invitation. Remember, simplicity is cool.
Good idea: ensuring that your family attends the church ceremony. This is an important and beautiful part of the celebration. This should not be time to be decorating the cake, putting up streamers, or getting your hair and makeup done.
Bad idea: a ceremony with only you (the quinceañera), your parents, padrinos, chambelanes and damas. If you’re going to do the Catholic church thing don’t do it half way.
Good idea: bilingual Mass (unless you go to México to celebrate).
Bad idea: all Spanish-language ceremony and the quinceañera barely understand Spanish. Conversely, an all English-language ceremony would exclude non-English speaking family members. Balance is good.
Good idea: holding the reception at your home or the home of another family member. I’ve been to beautiful quinceañeras held in a backyard. It takes more work, but you can save money.
Bad idea: paying thousands of dollars to only spend five hours in a hotel banquet room… and you still pay for the food, music, and decorations!
Good idea: hiring a photographer.
Bad idea: letting your tío Charlie — you know, the one who forgets to take the lens cap off and often decapitates his subjects — be your photographer.
Good idea: hiring a videographer. You’ll laugh years later at how silly you, your friends and family looked.
Bad idea: playing the video every single time someone related to you comes over for weeks after the party. Your tías and tíos were there, they don’t need to see it again!
The look: dress, hair and makeup
Good idea: a color other than white for the gown. This is my own hangup. I don’t think fifteen year-olds should look like mini-brides. If you insist on white, try some accents in a different color. Also, make sure the dress is age-appropriate.
Bad idea: all white dress at a party where there might be lots of dust or dirt (e.g. a rancho). Oh yeah, cleavage is not cool when you’re only fifteen years old!
Good idea: have the person who will be styling your hair practice before the day of so that he/she will know how long it will take to get your hair done. My tía Luisa did this for me which was helpful because my hair is weird and doesn’t stay when it’s curled.
Bad idea: leaving it all to the last minute.
Good idea: if you don’t usually wear a lot of make up, keep it simple.
Bad idea: looking like a mini drag queen.
Good idea: bringing along a pair of comfy shoes such as flip flops or your white Chucks to dance in when your feet get tired.
Bad idea: wearing your beat up Chucks with holes in the soles. Not cute.
Good idea: crinolina! I love the springy hoop that goes under the skirt of the gown.
Bad idea: crinolina under an already exceptionally puffy skirt, unless you want to look like a cotton ball or powder puff.
Good idea: a good night’s rest. Hey, it’s a big day.
Bad idea: staying out all night.
The court
Good idea: asking your best friends and family members to join is as part of the court, you know the damas and chambelanes. You do not need to have 14 couples. You don’t even need couples. I had a court full of chambelanes, as did my sister. I’ve seen others with only girls. Hint: guys are less trouble. It’s so easy to just take them all for their tuxedo fitting.
Bad idea: asking random boys to be a chambelán because your cousin La Guera (who you don’t even get along with) needs a partner. Remember simplicity is cool.
Good idea: inviting the immediate family of the kids in the court.
Bad idea: being rude and leaving out the parents of your damas y chambelanes who put up some money for them just to be part of your party. They also probably drove them to and from practice. They deserve some recognition, and an invite is good.
Good idea: putting some thought into making the waltz fresh and creative. You don’t need to hire a choreographer, but it’s cool to put a new spin on a rather boring dance.
Bad idea: same old boring waltz to the Blue Danube.
Good idea: staging a choreographed dance to some type of contemporary music following the waltz. My sister and a group of her friends (some weren’t even part of the court) did a swing dance routine and the guests loved it. It helps start up the dance part of the party.
Bad idea: any dance routine involving poles, feather boas, dollar bills, hot pants or stiletto heels. You’re fifteen, dammit!
Day of: food, drink and music
Good idea: birria! But have an option for the herbivores besides arroz y ensalada de papa.
Bad idea: really spicy birria or other main dish. What about the white people or us Chicanas/os with acculturated palates?
Good idea: live music. You can’t go wrong with a mariachi during the Mass and dinner. Try to strike a balance.
Bad idea: hiring your 16 year-old neighbor’s craptacular garage band that any adult will hate. Moshing is okay at a concert, but not at a quinceañera.
Good idea: keeping tabs on the alcohol and serving apple cider for the brindis (toast).
Bad idea: open bar with a lax bartender. Underage drinking (and cops) is a great way to ruin a good party. You and your parents don’t need more headaches.
Good idea: eat, but be careful!
Bad idea: eating or drinking in a rush so that you drop salsa on your dress.
Day of: finishing touches
Good idea: renting or borrowing a cool car. You can get a limousine or go for something less common. My dad rented a convertible, I felt like a homecoming queen nominee.
Bad idea: spending two hours getting your hair done, and then having your driver speed to the church so that when you arrive your hair resembles a rat’s nest.
Good idea: a theme and sensible color combination. You get more points if you can get a song to go with theme. I wore pink and had butterflies as my theme. It worked out well since there’s a song called “Vals de las mariposas” and you can play off the symbolism of a caterpillar coming out of its cocoon transformed into a beautiful butterfly.
Bad idea: mismatched colors and horrible theme, such as clowns.
Good idea: heartfelt thanks to your guests. If you can do it in both languages, great! If you trip up a lot in Spanish, prepare a short thank you speech beforehand or have your parents translate. Also, make sure to greet your guests during the reception.
Bad idea: disappear from the party and never even greet your guests. You might not really know everyone at the party (I know I didn’t), but they took time out of their schedule to come celebrate your birthday. Be thankful. Make your parents look good.
Good idea: graciously accepting compliments. You’ll look radiant that day, as usual.
Bad idea: saying “Thanks, but I look so fat in this dress!” every single time someone tells you that you look beautiful.
Good idea: dance, even if you’re no good at it.
Bad idea: being a wallflower. Believe me, boys will ask you to dance. You don’t have to dance with everyone who asks, but go out and enjoy yourself. This is supposed to be the first time you’re “officially” allowed to dance. Take advantage of it.
Good idea: avoiding the alcohol.
Bad idea: getting drunk. Vomit + fancy dress = horrible situation. Don’t embarrass yourself or your parents.
Good idea: smiling a lot and having fun. My mom always thought the prettiest quinceañeras were the ones who looked happy.
Bad idea: being a punk. No one likes a brat. None of this, “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” shtuff. If something bugs you, deal with it in an adult manner.
Aftermath
Good idea: get people (friends, family, and whoever else stayed ‘til the end) to help clean up a little or put gifts in the car.
Bad idea: leaving the reception hall or house where the party was held trashed.
Good idea: day after left-overs and gift-opening tardeada. Oh yeah, write down who gave you what and send out thank-you notes.
Bad idea: opening up the gifts without your abuelita around. Se pone sentida.
Good idea: saving gift money for college! I had to inject something nerdy in here.
Bad idea: blowing the money on something dumb like Pumas, concert tickets, or CD’s.
That’s it. Remember the three main things: balance, simplicity and do-it-yourself. Quinceañeras are a big deal for a girl and her family. I hope you enjoy yours as much as I enjoyed mine almost ten years ago.
Marty: Do you think these glasses make me look smarter?
Rizzo: No, you can still see your face.
(from Grease)
In middle school, my gym teacher called me Little Mosquito. He had my brother, Danny, the year before. I didn’t mind being Little Mosquito and thought it was a whole lot better than being known as Danny’s Little Sister.
However, if a teacher called me Little Mosquito in second grade, I’d run home crying to my mom and dad that the teacher was making fun of me. I did complaing to my parents about that kind of stuff. Sorry, I was a wuss. My mom and dad always told me not to worry about kids making fun of my last name by calling me mosquito or mosca (fly), but my sensitivity always betrayed me. By eighth grade I got over kids teasing me about my last name and was more concerned with important things like doing better in algebra, figuring out if my social studies/language arts teacher wore a wig, and cute boys.
In grad school, I think I’ve finally embraced my mosquito/mosca roots.
After class yesterday, my friend Arshad and I walked up to North Campus for lunch. As we walked through the Anderson School of Management we took notice of the very nice weather. The days immediately following rain are always the most beautiful in LA. Although both Arshad and I have been at UCLA for several years and know the campus well, I think even we’re awed of the beauty of the campus.
On another note, Arshad wasn’t all sunshine yesterday. During class he was being really strange, formal and polite. I looked at him weird, and then he said something that made a lot of sense, “I’m trying to be positive, that’s why it sounds fake.”
Classes, papers, projects, chunking, coding and fieldnotes may make us grumpy and lose sleep. However, I can’t help but be a bit positive when I get to come to such a nice place on a daily basis and my job is to think and write.
Agustin provides an update on the things going on with his grad school and family. He made me wonder if moon bounces (aka brincolín) are as ubiquitous as piñatas at Mexican kids’ birthday parties.
Big Brown Girl (more frequently known as Ms. Baeza these days) tells us that the students she works with are growing on her, and vice versa. However, I agree that she should stay away from the chick flick genre.
CAD recommends watching Three Burials, about an undocumented immigrant who was accidently shot by a border patrolman. She also introduced Lola, her spiffy new camera.
La Cracked Chancla updates us on some of the things a proprietor of a small business goes through and tutors a 10-year old girl who needs some affirmation that she can read.
Jeff (aka Skeptic) made me feel like a wuss for complaining about getting stuck in the rain on Monday when he’s still getting snow in NYC.
Jenn hopped on the Johari window bandwagon, discussed all the things that went wrong at her sister’s wedding and added one more way she finds to be a Chicana role model on Ash Wednesday.
Joel might be telling us “tales of mediocrity,” but I (as just one person representing about a thousand readers of his blog), I can attest to the fact that his tales are freaking hilarious. This week he reviewed one of his favorite romantic comedies, Doc Hollywood, was propositioned at work and grossed out his readers. Fun times.
Julio contemplates if citizenship matters to Chicanos. It’s an interesting question, but it’s the kind that can potentially divide.
Julissa comes back from a leave of absence. Hopefully it won’t take her another month to update again.
MsABCMom is off track and gets to take a break from teaching. She also got a cute Hermione Granger outfit for her daughter, Sabi, as part of her school’s Read Across America Week. Finally, her own brother told her she had to go to cultural sensitivity training because she tried to wipe off a co-worker’s ashes on Ash Wednesday. Doh!
Nebur wrote about seeing a free Rolling Stones show in Rio de Janeiro. It might have been free, but it was also way too crowded. His fellow blogger, Lee Stevens, reminds us that baseball is right around the corner. Finally, Nebur goes over the DUI case of Pretty Boy Floyd.
El Pocho Abogado wrote about the guy who plays bagpipes on the street. He doesn’t think the music will induce him to dance on the way to work. He also compares how much his learning expectations in law school have changed (or fallen?) as he’s gone from a 1L to a jaded 3L.
Tortilla Sandwich tells us why she’s glad the Winter Olympics are over. It’s not just that figure skating makes her violent, but regular programming (e.g. the hilarious show The Office) will be back.
Xoloitzquintle wrote about how we should be nice to any unemployed or underemployed anthropology PhD, because the process of applying and awaiting responses generally sucks.
I’m going to take one minute to just write what I want to tell you, well without being mushy because that should be reserved for your card. I’m done with being so public in this space.
So, what do I need to tell you?
¡Feliz cumpleaños!
I know I call you old all the time, but the fact that you’re a little older than me is something I’ve always liked. It’s always been one of your strengths. You’ve had time to live a little more and learn a little more. And it always amazes me what you do with that knowledge. Thank you for sharing that knowledge and teaching me about everything from danza to fútbol.
I’ve shared several birthdays with you as a friend. Those birthdays were always full of dozens of people. It’s easy to see your impact on your friends and family. It’s never surprised me why people are attracted to you.
But this birthday is different. We’ve gotten closer in ways I didn’t foresee a year ago. That process may not have been smooth and at times difficult, but it all comes with the territory.
