I told Oso yesterday that I went up to San Francisco for Chispa’s graduation. He was surprised, “why are you so secretive?” he asked. I don’t know, but I’ll try to change things and let people know what’s going on with me these days. Honestly, I avoid questions about how I’m doing with school and life in general because I don’t know what to say.
Family is one of those areas I don’t need to improve much on, things are good. I took a trip with my sister Lori and her boyfriend, Mikey, this weekend to San Francisco. We got along for most of the trip, which is great. My dad’s been helping me out whether it’s checking in with me and offering to take me to the doctor after getting horrible pains in my abdomen or helping me take care of some problems with my car. I spent Mother’s Day with my mom and several other family members. She wants me to take a short vacation with her in mid-June in San Diego. I’m not so sure I can because of school. The siblings are okay, but the relationships are strained (no surprise). Danny sends me text messages updating me on the scores of Dodger games, well when it’s good. Adrian works a lot, but when we hang out it’s fun.
Home is generally a place where I relax. There’s nothing like sitting in the rocking swing or laying in a hammock beneath the shady mulberry tree on a spring afternoon. When I go home, I tend to stay there as long as I can. It’s not just because I’m doing laundry or because I want to play with VR.
I’m in the last few weeks of the spring quarter. Last week all my classes were cancelled and I acted like I had a second spring break. Yup. I didn’t get much done, but that’s not new. I’ve been generally very unmotivated in my studies since the year started. This is something that goes beyond just being bored with my classes. I’m working on it and have talked to my advisor about my problems. It felt really good to let her know what’s going on with me. Prior to a couple of weeks ago, she had no clue and I just avoided her.
I’m not only disconnected with my advisor or with the other research assistants at HERI (where I worked last year, volunteer this year). I feel isolated as I don’t really have classes with the remaining members of my cohort (4 of them graduated last year). Whenever they see me, they ask how I’m doing and say something like, “wow, I never see you. How are you? You must be busy.” I don’t really tell them how I’m doing either, but felt myself telling Ross, the “boy” in our cohort last year how I was feeling after a group of us went out last Saturday.
I’m working on getting back on track. I just need to make sure others now I’m totally missing mis ganas and not being so secretive about my issues with school.
I used to think I had a lot of friends, but then I realized that a lot of those people were just acquaintances. Yeah, I worked with them through MEChA, but never really connected. Instead, I found that I had a small but tight group of friends. In the past year, I’ve grown closer to those people and for known/unknown reasons not talking to two others. I still have a group of people I can count on and find that I’m now closer to my family. I’ve also made some new friends through school (there are people here I’m more open with) and Blogotitlán. It’s good to know that you can count on people for good music, a concert date or tips on how to deal with difficult situations.
I’m glad I went to Chispa’s graduation in San Francisco, but a little sad that it was awkward for me to sit at the same table with people I’ve known since 1998. Oh well, there are some things I’m not going to prioritize right now. Those relationships (which were never really strong and real to begin with) are not my priority. I have other things to deal with and I’ll concentrate on those friendships and people where I feel like the relationships is reciprocally beneficial and fulfilling.
I look forward to Thursday evening primarily because I get to make the trip out to East LA to ensayo (practice) with el grupo Danza Tenochtitlán. I started practicing with them last summer when Ralph invited me, but had to stop once school started because I had to take a class that conflicted with the practice. I missed it so much, but started going again and getting involved with the group in January. I studied the group for my qualitative research methods course and started dancing regularly again in March. Dancing makes me happy, not only for the physical activity but also because I really like the people in the group. It’s one of a handful of things that I still enjoy.
I started a new job about a month ago with a program called PEERS. So far, so good. Really. I like what I’m doing, and the directors of the program seem to love me because I’m doing everything they want me to be doing. Still, since I’m new here I’m still getting to know people and sort of miss spending more time at HERI. I also found it cool that since I work here, I had the chance to run into into an old friend from high school who is now a grad student in neuroscience.
I also recently applied to be a TA in Chicana/o Studies introductory courses. I know that will be a lot for me to take on next year, but hey it will be something I enjoy.