Guest appearance

A couple years ago, I ran for a position with the graduate student government. I won the election and became the vice president of external affairs. The next year I ran unopposed for re-election.

During my two years as VPEx, I served on the board of directors of the University of California Student Association, a coalition of the 10 campuses and over 200,000 graduate, undergraduate and professional students at the UC. UCSA became a big part of my life, and I really enjoyed my two years, even when I had frustrating conversations in the meetings.

The pros outweighed the cons. I was always traveling, but I earned frequent flyer miles and cashed those in to visit family in Texas and friends in Chicago (twice). I spent less time with family and my ex-boyfriend complained that I was always gone, but I met lots of new people and was inspired by undergrads at UCLA. I “white-lined” (or lobbied) at the often boring UC Regents meetings in San Francisco. Afterward, I’d treat myself to retail therapy at H&M (conveniently located across the street from our hotel) and had ice cream with Rio at Mitchell’s. Sometimes I felt like we wouldn’t see results from all our hard work and that it’d be impossible to get a fee [tuition] freeze with such a bleak budget situation, but then it happened and students and their families saved money.

When I finished my term last June, I knew I’d miss being involved. I couldn’t just leave the organization, so I signed up to be a part of UCLA’s graduate student delegation for the summer conference in Santa Barbara. I also signed up to attend my third Student Lobby Conference in Sacramento even though I had to miss a day of the conference due to my cousin’s wedding.

I arrived at the hotel a little after 10 a.m. I was still half asleep when I saw the tallest Mexican ever (TME), a fellow grad student from UC Riverside. He was surprised to see me.

TME bent down and I tiptoed a little so that our hug wouldn’t feel physically awkward. And it wasn’t. He gives the kind of hugs you need when you’re still tired because you didn’t get enough sleep, you almost getting a speeding ticket and nearly missed your flight. In short, it’s the best kind of hug.

We talked a little before I had to check in to my room.

“Cindy! I missed you!”

“I missed you too.”

“You weren’t here yesterday. Are you making a guest appearance?”

“Something like that.”

“Did you drive up?”

“No way. I flew.”

A few hours later, I bumped in to the executive director of the organization. She gave me a big hug too.

“I missed you,” she said.

“I know… well, I mean I miss you guys too,” I replied.

Throughout the day, I’d hear similar comments a few more times and got more big hugs.

I knew I’d miss UCSA, but I didn’t expect the staff and other current/former board members to miss me much. They’re far too busy and the organization runs perfectly fine without me.

But they do miss me, and it feels nice.

Nervios y nubes

It was a Sunday afternoon. I should have been relaxing, but I was far from calm and super nervous. When I get nervous, my stomach turns to knots and I get all jittery as if I’d drank a cup of coffee.

A week after meeting Ojitos, a guy who seemed too good to be true, I was just waiting for something to go wrong. The first time seeing him again seemed like the perfect opportunity to bring me back down from las nubes.

What if the connection I felt a week ago disappeared and our interaction was terribly awkward? What if he took a second look at me and realized that he had beer goggles? And what if it all felt wrong?

I dealt with my fears by getting ready. I consulted with Chispa and A, two of my best friends for perspectives from both a man and a woman.

“Where are you going?” Chispa asked.

“The Ice House in Pasadena. What should I wear to a comedy club? I’ve never been.”

“I think club clothes, jeans and a fancy top, heels. Show some skin,” Chispa suggested slyly.

A, a friend from school, was totally sweet when I expressed my fear that Ojitos might change his mind and no longer be interested. “You’re silly if you think he had beer goggles Saturday night.”

My friends tried their best, but I was still nervous. Still, it couldn’t be that bad. The comedy show outing would be safe since it was a group thing. Several people from the Saturday night party including the hostess and M, the mutual contact, would be there. I also invited L, a friend from school, to be my wingwoman and offer moral support if needed.

It would be okay. Right?

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La Pocha

In August 2004, I took advantage of my break between work and returning to grad school by taking a trip to visit family in Mexico. It was the first time since I was 10 years old that I visited Guanajuato. I had a great time and grew closer to my father’s extended family, most of which still live in Salamanca, Guanajuato. Every day I met new relatives and reconnected with relatives I hadn’t seen in years. It was a bit overwhelming.

I found myself struggling to express myself, especially when I was hanging out with my cousins. I’d understand everything they said, but I would trip up when I tried to explain what I was going back to school for, how my family was doing or whether or not I had a boyfriend (everyone asked that question). I felt more ashamed of my pocha-ness around my peers than my elders, although nobody judged me. In fact, they complimented the skills I did have and asked if my siblings — who didn’t go on the trip with me — spoke Spanish as well as I did (they don’t).

The only time anyone judged my language skills was when I spoke in English.

While exploring the colonial city of Guanajuato, my cousin’s boyfriend, Chucho, asked me if I had a car. When I responded affirmatively, he asked what kind.

“Un Dodge Stratus,” I replied.

“¿Qué?” Chucho asked. He was lost.

“Es como un Neon, pero más grande. He visto muchos en Guanajuato.”

Chucho’s face lit up and he smiled. “¡Oooo, un Estratús!” he exclaimed as he finally figured it out. “No te entendí. ¿Cómo lo dices?”

I pronounced it again in English. Chucho got a kick out of it again and told Paola, my cousin, that my pronunciation was really weird.

Huh? But I was saying it right. I’d been struggling to find the right words to express myself since I arrived in Guanajuato. My family was patient as I tried to explain something like UPS, but they never teased me. Instead, I was teased about my pronunciation in English.

While Chucho and Paola continued laughing, I silently comforted myself. My Spanish was better than their English. Most of my cousins study English in high school and college, just like I studied Spanish. Of course, I did have the advantage of growing up in a bilingual household.

Four years later, I still struggle on annual trips to Guanajuato or when I sit down and have a conversation with my Spanish-dominant tías in East LA. When I read novels or listen to music from México and South America, I have to look up words like aturdido and acatar.

But it’s okay, I understand and am understood. That’s all that matters. I’m comfortable with my pocha-ness.