Yesterday my brother posted this on Facebook:

Three. Funny that he picked that number. Today marks three years that I made a big change and stuck with it.

On January 13, 2009, I walked in to Weight Watchers in Culver City and signed up. When I stepped on the scale for the initial weigh-in, I was surprised by the number. I knew my driver’s license weight was wrong — whose isn’t? — but didn’t realize I was so off. Since I hadn’t weighed myself in a long time, I didn’t know that I was almost 30 pounds over my driver’s license weight.

I sat through the basic meeting and afterward stayed for the newbie orientation. I went home, flipped through the week 1 booklet and looked up the points values of some of the foods I commonly ate.

I followed the program, even though I didn’t always stay within my daily points allotted. As I wrote last year, I diligently tracked and counted points for everything I ate or drank. I measured my food and tried to meet the good health guidelines set by WW (e.g., five servings of fruits and vegetables daily, whole grains, drink plenty of water). About six weeks into the program, I signed up for the gym and started exercising regularly. I got some help and tips from my siblings.

Good old diet and exercise worked. The pounds came off and a year later, I reached my goal weight. I lost 60 pounds, or 31% of my starting weight.

Recently some friends who know I was successful on Weight Watchers have asked me what I liked and disliked about the program. Would you recommend it? My response:

Overall: Yes, I’d recommend Weight Watchers.

What I Disliked:

• Cost. It’s not cheap. I think it’s about $40 for a monthly pass, which includes the weekly meetings and e-Tools (for tracking, recipes, recipe builder). I think the cost of WW balanced out when I started cooking more and eating out less.
• Tracking everything can become tedious. Initially I was okay with it, but after 6 months I slacked off and my weight loss slowed down.
• I became obsessed with food and sometimes became a bit anxious if I could not control the eating situation.

What I Liked:

• Emphasis on eating healthy rather than just low calorie or low fat. I know lots of people picked up “bad habits” of eating low-point, highly process foods like
• There’s no list of restricted foods (e.g., bread, pasta)
• Easy for someone not too familiar with healthy, balanced eating
• The Points Plus system is pretty easy to follow
• Most fruits and veggies do not count towards your daily points total. Starchy vegetables like corn, potatoes and peas will cost you, as will the high-in-good-fat avocado.
• You get credit for working out. They don’t emphasize anything hardcore, especially if you’re coming from a sedentary lifestyle.
• I liked the meetings, but they got less helpful as time went on. The topics can become repetitive. They’re good for the support and the ideas you get from others. If you meet a milestone, they’ll acknowledge your success, but only if you’re okay with being mentioned in front of the meeting.
• The leaders are not too pushy with their products.
• All the leaders and receptionists have lost weight and maintained the weight loss using Weight Watchers.
• It works, but it’s not fast. You should lose 0.5-2 lbs a week.
• They have apps for the e-tools to help you track. I liked writing things down.
• Initially I felt deprived, but that feeling decreased. I didn’t feel like I was really on a diet until I started losing more weight and had to restrict a little more.
• The plan includes a set number of points you can use throughout the week that allow some flexibility. Even if you use these points, you should still lose.
• There’s a no-tracking or counting option focused on Power Foods (clean eating focused on lean meats, whole grains, low-fat dairy, fruit, vegetables)
• They reward the people who are successful with Lifetime Membership (free meetings, access to e-Tools)

As with most diets or weight loss plans, maintaining might be more difficult than actually losing. I’ve gained about 10 pounds back. I attribute that to no longer tracking points, eating out more often and being more relaxed with my eating. (See: burger week 2011… actually, I didn’t gain weight after that.) I probably would have gained back more if I wasn’t training for marathons and half marathons.

One of my goals this year is to get back to goal weight and fit in to some clothes that no longer fits, like the pants above. And yeah, I’m not immune to the pressure to lose some pounds for my wedding day. Part of my plan is to go back to Weight Watchers, weigh-in monthly, and begin counting points again.

Today I went back to the Culver City Weight Watchers for my monthly meeting and weigh-in. When I arrived, there was a crowd outside, and security guards handing out wrist bands. I had no idea what was going on, but it quickly became clear when I saw even more Jennifer Hudson posters and women holding her book. I decided to stick around and get a book. The woman ahead of me seemed to ask for help losing the last few pounds. Jennifer responded, “really watch the carbs.” Because of the book signing, I wasn’t able to weigh-in and the meeting size was limited.

I’ll weigh-in next week.

Maybe sometime soon I’ll have a photo of me wearing/holding up the jersey of whoever gets #31 on the NFL team we might get in LA.

I also chose this photo because it’s a gratuitous before/after photo. The first photo is from January ’09 on my first trip to the Staples Center. After the Red Wings beat the Kings, my date and I wandered around the store; of course I had to take a photo of the Kurt Rambis’ jersey. I know the jersey covers up most of me. Oh well, you can see it in the face right? This photo was taken just a few days after I started WW. [This is usually the "before" picture I use.]

The Dodgers jersey was a gift from Sean. The first jersey he bought was lost somewhere in a postal office in NY. Someone out there has a Dodgers jersey and is confused; there are no Mosquedas on the Dodgers. I took the second photo in June ’10, after getting to my goal weight and achieving WW Lifetime status.

There are a lot of differences between January ’09 me and August ’11 me. Things that I didn’t foresee happening in January ’09:

1. Successfully losing 31% of my starting weight (60 lbs).
2. Running a mile without stopping. Hell, running much longer distances without stopping and really enjoying it.
3. Cooking decent home-cooked meals.
4. Still loving the Dodgers even as they go through one of the worst seasons ever, both on and off the field. Troubles include life-threatening violence in the parking lot, threats of MLB taking over, severe decrease in attendance, possible bankruptcy and not being able to make payroll on the first of the month.
5. Going back to work as a research assistant for my advisor to study the educational pipeline of underrepresented minority research scientists.
6. Getting an article I co-wrote with colleagues published in a top tier education journal. I was last author, but that’s okay.
7. Losing two long time roommates and seeing my living situation turn upside down initially. In the end it all worked out and I have some pretty cool roommates.
8. Beginning to date Sean, the guy who inspired the concert buddy search and a post on mini crushes. After 9 months of doing the LA/NY thing, he moved to LA. A few months later, he asked me to marry him. Now we’re planning a wedding. Fun times (sorta).
9. Having my words featured in some pretty cool places. I wrote about college affordability on the NY Times debate blog and was featured along with my father on NPR’s Morning Edition and Latino USA talking about our father/grandfather. I’m such a nerd that a year later I’m still geeking out over that.
10. Getting in to the reading running and healthy living blogs. (More the former as the latter typically bore me.) These would inspire some quality snark and contributions to a meme. Today I found out I won Angry Runner’s contest. Neat.

There are some things that haven’t changed since then. Some of the changes were tough. The change in roommates wasn’t easy. Neither was breaking up with Alan in November ’09. I only alluded to it here, but it felt a little too personal for the blog.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been tracking everything I eat. I did this, along with tallying up the points value of those foods, while I was trying to lose weight with Weight Watchers. As I got the hang of eating the right foods, I stopped actively tracking as I continued to lose weight and eventually reached my goal weight and WW Lifetime status

I’ve been in maintenance mode for a year and a half. I’ve been semi-successful. I gained 10 pounds back. The first 5 came back pretty easily. I alluded to that in February. The next 5 came back in the late spring/summer.

I’d be dishonest if I said the weight gain didn’t bother me. I explained this to Stacia in the comments of her post on pre/post pregnancy self-image.

I don’t have a pre- and post-pregnancy view of my body image. I think I have a three (maybe four) broad views. There’s the me I knew for so long as always overweight, which I still thought was beautiful. There’s me as I lost weight over the course of a year. There’s me at my low weight. And me now about 10 lbs above that. If there’s a time when I’m most stressed about my looks, it’s probably lately…

[Stacia replied and asked if it the stress was wedding related.]

Nah, it’s not about wedding stress so much, at least not yet. I think it’s more about some pants not fitting and feeling like this extra weight is keeping me from improving and being a stronger runner. I also think this anxiety about any weight gain probably is going to be with me for a while. I’ve never lost a significant amount of weight and everything you hear is “it’s gonna come back… plus some!” I don’t want to undo the work. And frankly, I did feel more confident and better about my body 10 lbs lighter… but I’m a stronger runner now. Strange.

I’m not actively trying to lose weight while training for the Long Beach Marathon, but I don’t want to gain more. Enter tracking sans points and limiting eating out to weekends. I didn’t realize I was snacking so much, especially when bored at work and late at night after dinner. I don’t think snacking is bad, but I need to eat more nutritious snacks and reign in my sweet tooth. After all, I do want to get back to goal weight, the wedding pressure is no joke.

During yesterday’s bus ride home, I was engrossed in a game of Ms. Pac-Man (because I’m a feminist and stuff) and a podcast when a young man took a seat in front of me. I looked up. He was looking at me like he knew me.

He smiled waiting for me to recognize him.

“Cindy? It’s Irvin.”

“Oh, I know… I recognize you.” He hadn’t changed much, he looked almost exactly as he did 9 years ago (he’s the one without the hat above).

I didn’t sound as enthusiastic as I should have. I was a bit confused and out of it. I really need a nap. I stopped my game and podcast and greeted him.

I met Irvin ten years ago at school and quickly became friends. Unfortunately, we lost touch over the years. I don’t remember the last time I saw him, but he asked if I was still dating a guy who lived in San Francisco. Um, no. That ended in 2002. I knew I’d seen him more recently maybe 4-5 years ago, but we just probably hadn’t talked about dating so he just remembered the SF guy.

“I saw you when you got on, but I didn’t know it was you at first. You look… uh, different.”

I knew what Irvin was trying to say. He was trying to say “wow, you lost a lot of weight” without seeming crass or rude. Totally understandable, it’s a sensitive subject for a lot of people and when people have noted it in the past it’s made me uncomfortable and even offended. Usually, people are complimentary and sincere.

Irvin was one of those, which is no surprise since he’s always been kind and friendly.

“You lost weight, right?”

“Yeah.”

We caught up about work, school, how I met my fiance and Irvin’s recent move back to the westside. I suggested we grab lunch while on campus.

“We should. I already added you on Facebook,” he replied, somewhat bashful.

“Really? On your phone?”

“Yeah. When I saw you I didn’t want to say hi without being sure. So I looked you up to see if I could find a more recent picture. I didn’t want to look crazy.”

I’m thankful for smart phones — despite refusing to get one — and that we could reconnect, albeit briefly.

I’ve had people doubt I’m the person I know or the one in the photo ID, but at least something good came out of this experience.

This doesn’t sit well with me.

I’ve felt what it’s like to care, and felt what it’s like to not. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately, and about how we’re supposed to have “balance” in our lives, how we’re supposed to play on both sides of the fence, in order to lead “a well rounded life.” How this is what all these girls out there are being told, “it’s all about balance,” well…

I’m calling bullshit. Right now. This moment. Bullshit.

To lose weight, to see results, you have to be perfect, 110% of the time. Playing on both sides of the fence may maintain you, but if you really want to lose weight, once and for all, you can’t cheat, not even a little bit, not even at all.

[Via One Twenty Five]

I’m not perfect. I don’t want to be. I’m also not a fan of fences. That probably has something to do with being a Chicana in the Borderlands.

Nevertheless, I strive for balance. It reminds of my Grandpa Bartolo’s advice to my aunts; roughly, eat whatever you like, but don’t fear the broom (read: work).

I didn’t start off this way when I decided I wanted to lose weight and joined Weight Watchers two years ago. Initially, I followed the plan closely. I tracked everything I ate in a food diary. I planned my meals and snacks ahead of time and carried contingency snacks for unplanned events. I counted everything, looked at every single nutrition label, measured my food, watched my serving sizes and made sure I stayed within my allotted points. I attended a meeting once a week. My efforts paid off. Jeans fit looser. The pounds came off and the receptionist gave me star stickers after each successful weigh-in.

However, even as I saw the results, I disliked the process and what it was doing to my attitude. I thought about food all the time. How many points is a tortilla? How much will it set me back? How long will I have to work out to make up for that slice of cheese?

I became a bit anxious when I ate a great home cooked meal at my mom’s or another relative’s and worried about going out of town for a meeting because I wouldn’t be in complete control.

On the flip side, some of the habits I picked up are good for my health, wallet and general well-being. I learned to cook and ate out much less. I stopped skipping breakfast. I began eating more of the fruits and vegetables I grew up loving. I gave up alcohol for Lent, which took away the feeling that I was restricting myself for a diet. I’ve enjoy giving up something for Lent and have given up alcohol before. I started working out and returned to running (well, jogging).

By the summer, I stopped trying to be perfect. I let up on tracking everything I ate or even tasted. My anxiety subsided, but I still worried about straying too far from the plan. For example, when Lori said she wanted to bake my a birthday cake, I told her not to since it was too hot to bake that day. Secretly, I didn’t want the calories from the cake. I occasionally gained weight at my weekly weigh-in. Although I wasn’t happy, I never beat myself up. As the days shortened and students returned to campus, I was barely tracking. At the end of the year my weight loss slowed down and plateaued temporarily. I was a few pounds from goal weight.

I got to my goal after a year and some weeks of working hard to find that balance. I maintained my weight loss, at least for a few months.

Recently, I’ve gained some of it back. Not much, but enough that a couple of dresses are rather snug at the bust and one pair of pants barely closes. When I weighed myself after two months of avoiding the scale (I told myself I’d go by how my jeans felt), I was surprised at the number. I was disappointed; those extra pounds are holding me back from running faster and I’d like those dresses and pants to fit like they used to.

I know I could go back to writing everything down, measuring and restricting, but that will be tough as I train for the marathon. Running, especially the long runs, gives me a voracious appetite (you try burning 1500+ calories in a workout session). Instead, I’ll concentrate on eating foods that I enjoy and that will provide good fuel as I train.

In my first draft of this piece, I arrogantly claimed that I’d found my balance. I’m still working on it.

There’s a post somewhere in my drafts folder titled “xs.” That’s about buying a size small red sundress only to find that it was too big. Somewhere in the same file, I started writing another post about meeting my goal weight, maintaining that for 6 weeks (actually 7), and at the end of that achieving Lifetime membership through Weight Watchers. There’s a third about playing “pretty, pretty princess” with Lori.

Needless to say, I’ve been having some issues writing about this and working out my thoughts. Here’s my attempt.

On Saturday, Lori and I attended a friend’s birthday party. I left my apartment in a simple brown dress and sandals, but once at home realized I had to change. I forgot about the black and white theme. Fortunately, my sister didn’t mind opening up her closet to me. She offered up a few black and white outfits.

I tried them on, but not without first looking at the tags and thinking, this won’t fit. Last year, there was a 1 before the 4 and the letter after the X was not S. But everything I tried on fit just fine, just as it had when I tried on her pants right after Christmas. I settled on the outfit above out of convenience, laziness and because the other outfits made me feel a bit naked.

Lori then offered up some shoes choices. After settling on leopard print stilettos, I went with these peep-toe sandals. She did my makeup, or what we call playing “pretty, pretty princess.” Sometimes she does my hair too, but we were already running late.

We snapped a few photos, standard practice for when I actually get all dolled up with makeup. Plus, I wanted an “after” picture, even if I think they’re deceptive.

And then we left to the party.

I keep looking at the photo. Some of it is vanity. I love the way I look. I’ve never claimed to be modest. (See: a photo I made Sean take while in NY last week.)

Some of it is disbelief that the woman in the photo is me and not Lori, my little sister. In the past 15 years, I’d become accustomed to seeing myself as the brainy, overweight sister. Lori was the smart, slender, athletic sister. She still is.

I’m the one who changed, and I’m still getting used to it.

01.21.09 | 07.04.09 | 12.31.09

I don’t like before and after photos. They’re misleading. And yet, here I go making my own of sorts. Before*, middle, and end… of the year, definitely not the end of my efforts to improve myself and my health.

In fact, I can’t see myself stopping any of the new good habits I’ve learned and honed over the year. They feel like second nature. Even when I feel lazy, I know that cooking my own food will be healthier and will save me money (a lot more important to me these days). I crave fresh fruit and vegetables. When I slack off on running or going to the gym, I miss the runner’s high and the good feelings I get after getting my heart rate up and breaking a sweat. I like cooking and my new, awesome apron. I don’t even mind the cleanup, I like washing dishes.

It’s the fact that these habits feel like part of me now that I know I will keep moving forward, accomplishing new health and fitness goals.

I have a number in my head. It’s arbitrary. I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I even really want to get there. A few months ago, I told myself I’d stop when I could fit in to my sister’s pants. I tried on some new slacks she got as a Christmas present. They fit fine, if long. Once she gets them tailored (we’re the same height), I know I’ll be borrowing them.

So, now what? I’ll get down to the arbitrary number just because I know I can. If you know me and my mini obsessions, you can probably guess what it is. I’ll maintain that and add some new fitness goals.

*Rather, a week in to my weight loss efforts

“You’re doing great,” the receptionist said as she recorded my weight and pasted the sticker recording my progress for that week in my pocket guide.

“Thanks,” I said and smiled.

“You’re doing so great. Do you recognize yourself?”

I paused, unsure of what she was asking and how to respond.

“Yeah,” I said tentatively, but wasn’t sure.

I slipped my shoes back on, grabbed my purse and took a seat. As I thought about the receptionists question some more, I realized she asked a different question. At first, I heard, “do you recognize your weight loss progress with small rewards?” Then I reinterpreted it as, “do you recognize the changes in habits — both eating and exercise — since January?”

That was not her question. She asked, “do you recognize yourself… when you look in the mirror?”

“Yes,” I thought to myself. Of course. When I see my face, I still look like Cindy. I don’t even feel that I look much different unless I look at photos. And even then, I see more differences in my clearer skin complexion, or the great tan I had over the summer. Unlike my padrino José, I don’t think my nose looks more prominent or that my face is more “afilada.”

Other people think differently. A few weeks ago, Papá Chepe told me he confused me for my sister, Lori, when he first saw me. Other family members say I look more like my mom (as a 20-year old bride) or cousin Sandy.

Part of me takes the comments as a compliment, another indicator of my progress. But there’s a nagging critic that says, “they don’t recognize you without all the extra weight, that’s why they compare you to your thinner sister, cousin and mom. They’re like the bouncer who didn’t believe you were the girl on your driver’s license.”

I’m still me. I know I am.

In the middle of the summer, I attended a birthday party for my cousin’s daughter. It was the first time in a while I had seen a lot of my cousins and tíos/tías. They noticed the weight loss and complimented me, asked questions and made some off-color jokes (“are you anorexic?”). As I’ve mentioned before, I’m ambivalent about the comments. It’s nice to see that others recognize my efforts, but I’m still uncomfortable the attention to my body when the comments come from men or are mentioned loudly in a group.

One comment still resonates a few months later.

As I was making the rounds and saying goodbye to my family, my uncle pulled me close.

“You look great, mija. But no more… don’t lose anymore.”

I didn’t say anything as I did the quick calculations of how much I still needed to reach my goal, or even be within the healthy weight range for my height.

“Um, thanks tío,” I said softly and then continued on to say goodbye to my other tíos and cousins.

A few months later, my uncles words still ring in my head, especially as I’m getting closer to the number I arbitrarily set for my goal weight and I’m not sure how I’ll feel once I’m there. I’m also tired of having to buy new clothes, especially with the cooler temperatures.

Maybe I should set a different goal: being able to share clothes with my sister. (My mom already passed down a bunch of skirts.)

Progress photos after the jump.
(more…)

On my first night in New York, I joined my host, Jenny, and a few of her friends for a night of salsa dancing.

I changed and put on some black flats, the closest I had to dancing shoes. Jenny and I took the train a few stops where we met up with G and her friend J.

Half an hour, a few trains and two blocks later, we were at our destination. G, who had brought along a special pair of dance shoes, gave her ID to the bouncer. He nodded, gave it back to her and she went through the door. J, the token guy in the group, did the same thing.

Once J and G had entered, I stepped up and handed the bouncer my recently renewed driver’s license. I turned my head and looked down the street, but turned when I heard the bouncer.

“That’s not you. I’m not letting you in,” he said matter-of-factly.

“What? That’s me.”

The first two stopped and turned around, curious about the commotion.

“No, that’s her,” he said and pointed and Jenny.

Jenny held up her own driver’s license and protested, “No, this is me.”

The bouncer shook his head.

I tried arguing. It’s a new picture, only a year old (by the way, I actually like my photo). That’s me in that picture, I repeated in hopes that if I just stated the truth he would believe me. I offered to be quizzed on the information on the card. I could easily recite my address, birth date, height, weight, eye color, and driver’s license number. I didn’t mention what I was thinking: come on, I haven’t lost that much weight that a stranger does not believe September 2009 me is not August 2008 me.

It didn’t work. The bouncer gave me back my card and once again told me I was not getting in.

Jenny, J, G and I huddled outside the club, trying to figure out plan b. A few minutes later, we hailed a cab and were off to try and salvage the night.