When I put up the April Fool’s day post about a civil wedding, I didn’t bother informing my parents or siblings. They occasionally read my blog, but I didn’t think they’d read that day nor fall for the joke. I was wrong on the latter. My mom read it later in the week and called my dad a little confused. “Am I losing my memory?” she asked him.

He read the post and was fooled too until he got to the end. “You got us good,” he told me.

Silly parents.

• Hiring a DJ: This one isn’t easy considering our guest list is quite diverse and we’d like everyone to enjoy themselves. We need a DJ who can play music that will appeal to 4 generations of my Mexican family (nonagenarians to twenty-somethings), Sean’s Jamaican family and our friends.
• Choosing attire for Sean, bridesmaids and groomsmen
• Deciding on hair, makeup, veil and accessories for me
• Decorations: we need everything from flowers to linens
• Invitations: they’re in progress

There’s one big thing we can cross off the list:

Since it was just a civil ceremony with a justice of the peace, we kept it simple with my parents, siblings and grandparents. Sean’s parents and brother Skyped in from New York.

Through this whole process, we’ve wondered if the big wedding was really worth it. Yesterday, we felt like we were missing a lot. We can’t wait to have a few hundred of our friends and family watch us do this a bit more formally and celebrate with us.

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Half of this is true. The other half is my lame attempt at an April Fool’s Day prank. I know I’m pretty low maintenance, but if I was going to get married, I’d at least dye my roots, do something decent with my hair and wear a little makeup. The photo is from Easter 2011.

Never fear, here’s 10 timely topics. Don’t worry, these haven’t been done to death by bloggers, magazine writers and local TV news.

1. How not to gain weight through the holidays and manage eating at holiday parties. This includes writing about low-fat and low-calorie versions of traditional holiday dishes.

2. Gift guides for everyone, including the neighbor’s dog.

3. How to survive spending time with your family over the holidays and holiday dinners

4. Your holiday decorations: traditions; sentimental ornaments; Christmas tree buying adventure; your take on the fake vs. real debate; caring for a real tree

5. Complaints about the holiday season: it starts too early; the “war on Christmas” (e.g. secularization of the holiday, Jesus is the reason for the seaon!); rampant consumerism; overplayed carols in stores and on the radio; traveling for the holidays; your neighbor’s gaudy decorations/lack of decorations in the neighborhood.

6. How to deal with holiday stress, the blues and other #firstworldproblems

7. Open letter to Santa Claus (nevermind that you’re 27). This can be doubled with #2, since a lot of gift suggestion lists read as personal wishlists.

8. Inventory of your gifts or the gifts you purchased for others

9. Menus and recipes for your holiday dinner spread. Make sure to include lots of photos of your favorite cookies or tamales.

10. How to handle the work holiday party and etiquette for how to drink/dress at the party. Make sure to include complaints about your job and co-worker.

Bonus: just post photos of Christmases past. (Guilty.)

One of the reasons Sean likes me is because I’m not that nice. I can be mean, sarcastic and snarky. I don’t think it comes across in my blog much because I’m pretty good at self-editing when it comes to writing. In person? A whole other story.

I’m letting my inner mean girl come out and entering Angry Runner’s health living blogger macro contest. Some other bloggers (Marie, Kaley) have already submitted some hilarious entries.

I tried my hand at some and went a little crazy…

Photo credit: healingdream

Yes, it’s that time of the year again.

My friend, Rio writes:

What’s up to all my friends, lovers, and drunken makeout partners! El Rio’s Valentine’s Day Cards are back in the ring to take another swing for 2010! This is the 4th year of my cards and it’s turned into my longest running project. Enjoy!

As always, please post these cards on the pages of your friends, enemies, sexting partners, craigslist hookups, and friends with benefits. To see an archive of cards from years past CLICK HERE.

Enjoy!

During the weeks and months leading up to the confirmation, Sotomayor met with confirmation teachers at St. Matthew’s Cathedral in Washington D.C. to review the Catholic Catechism. She studied such cases as David v. Goliath, Jonah v. Whale and, the civil suit, Jesus Christ v. Judas Iscariot.

Sotomayor’s confirmation classes did not transpire without controversy. When studying a passage in the bible about the trial of Jesus Christ, Sotomayor remarked that she would have judged him differently. She added, “I would hope that a wise Latina woman with the richness of her experiences would, more often than not, reach a better conclusion than a Roman male who hasn’t lived that life.”

Conservative Catholics criticized Sotomayor’s credentials and temperament. Thomas Sanderson, a spokesman for the Knights of Columbus, argued that Sotomayor should not be confirmed. He added, “She may have gone to a Catholic high school, but she’s hardly Catholic. She got divorced, she attends Mass only on Christmas and Easter, she does not tithe, and we do not know her views on abortion or gay marriage.”

Nevertheless, Sotomayor was still confirmed. During the confirmation Mass, Bishop Patrick O’Callaghan (R-VA) asked Sotomayor several difficult questions about her faith such as “do you believe in God, the Creator?” and “do you believe in the Holy Ghost and in the Catholic Church?” Dressed in her own judge robe, Sotomayor showed no emotion as she responded “I believe” to each question. When asked if she renounced Satan and all his scandal in the world, she quickly responded positively.

Following the affirmation of her faith, Sotomayor — who chose Maria as her saint name in honor of her Latina roots — was blessed with chrism (a holy oil) by Bishop O’Callaghan. After she was blessed, her sponsor, Vice President Joe Biden, whispered an unknown comment in her ear.

Celina Baez, Sotomayor’s mother wiped away tears as she praised her daughter’s accomplishments, “I never thought I’d see this day. She’s an example to all Latinas. Her father, Juan, would be so proud. May he rest in peace.”

The Sotomayor and Biden family celebration the confirmation with a dinner of lechón asado con arroz y gandules.

Article written for Puro Pedo Magazine

El Chavo told me not to take his post about the problem with Hacienda Heights personally. I told him: “maybe I should start writing negative posts about Lincoln Heights or other parts of the Eastside. I’ve been there enough times to make observations and form opinions about singular events.” I went through with it… sort of. I basically played Mad Libs with the original post. You know us kids raised in the suburbs, we’re so unoriginal and ready to copy the latest trend!

I’ve never talked shit about the neighborhoods to my east (or west, if I position myself in Hacienda Heights) on my blog/blogs I’ve contributed to. I had no reason to start bashing the Eastside or its neighborhoods. Some of my best friends and family were born, raised and still live in the Eastside. I didn’t want to ruin relationships or create hostilities with them.

However, it’s impossible for my sense of decency to keep quiet. The Eastside, particularly Lincoln Heights, creates odd behavior patterns, maybe perfectly reasonable within the context of their own reality but utterly absurd when exposed to the light of reason.

Take for example this banana peel spotted in the parking lot of a LH Big Saver Foods a few weeks ago. I don’t understand why the consumer of this banana could not just toss the peel in a garbage can rather than leave the peel on the ground. Maybe folks in LH missed the classic cartoon lesson — or have never played Mario Kart — banana peels are dangerous. Someone (that would be me) could slip and fall. Luckily, I have decent reflexes and caught my balance before taking a fall. I doubt an Abuelita out to buy some groceries would have been so lucky. She might have broken a hip bone. I don’t get it. Are there no garbage cans on Broadway or the Big Saver Foods grocery store? I have no idea, but whatever the “logic” that led to the careless parking lot disposal of this banana peel, it just points to some warped thinking happening on these streets (or cars, I guess a LH driver could have thrown the banana out of his/her car). Fucking negligent thinking.

I almost considered picking up the peel and disposing of it properly, but neh pollos, who knows what kinda germs are on that banana peel. I didn’t even have my Purell in my purse.

If people can build opinions about Hacienda Heights from a lone Christmas tree tossed to the curb on Christmas afternoon, isn’t it appropriate that I be able to form an opinion from some random sighting on my way out to a delicious dinner in LH? I think the notion of justice demands I create a similar prejudice, just to be fair.

As an independent Chicana it can be hard to find a partner that embraces you and doesn’t feel like he’s walking in your shadow. The mujeres of Puro Pedo Magazine have devised 10 Insecure Pendejo Indicators to help you out in your quest to find someone as wonderful as you..

1. After breaking up, he keeps calling to ask why you havent called him.
2. He decides he wants a second chance only after you have moved on.
3. After 9 months of dating, he still hasnt changed his relationship status on MySpace.
4. He gives you a quota of three accomplishments per year.
5. His idea of fun is watching Family Guy and drinking beer.
6. He is more concerned with your weight than he is with his own.
7. He keeps asking you for a threesome for his birthday.
8. He gets jealous when you hug your male cousins at family parties.
9. He convinces you not to break up with him so that he can break up with you later.
10. You read this article to him and hes not laughing.

Tu sabes, if he is an insecure pendejo he just might not be secure enough to be with you so dont be an insecure pendeja and move on.

DISCLAMER: The material for this article came from a variety of sources. Any similarities to an actual insecure pendejo is out of mere coincidence.

This issue is different. I actually wrote something. To download the pdf of the February issue, click the cover image above or click here.

In this issue:

• Aztlan’s Next Top Chola
• Why Pochos Love the Raiders
• Activist Caught at Wal*Mart While Drinking Coke
• Search for Carmen San Diego Ends in Guantanamo
• Special Valentine’s Day Cards by Rio Yañez
• Puro Pedro: 20 questions with Efren Ramirez
• Great Moments in Chican@ History: The MEChA Meeting that Started on Time
• 10 Tips to Help Barack Obama get the Elusive Latino Vote
• Indigenous Group Sues Disney for Copyright Infringement
• Writers Strike Ends, Comedian Relieved
• Lonely Hearts advertisement
• Mariachi Road Crew by Jerry Gonzalez

If you like it, let me know. If you don’t, let me know too. I don’t mind criticism.

Hey look, it’s HP’s people.

I love parodies. This one was edited by a friend of a friend. He’s the dude on the right in this photo.